To take life by the horns means your not letting God take you.

i've been writing alot lately!

needless to say today was a pretty upsetting day.

I found out that Chris M. took his own life... i'm past my shock stage and now i'm in my numb stage... and then maybe in like a week or maybe even tomorrow i'll be in my realization stage... i hate they way i react to death because people think that i don't care... but i do!... i just react differently... take my grandmother for example... i never cried until i say her lying there in her casket... but this time it's different.. i feel alot of anger... chris was such an encouragement to me... i thought that he was so strong and i know that God was awesome in his life... but now it just seems like i want him to wake up so that i can tell him that i really cared that he left and that i'm sorry!

     people are very interesting beings to say the least. i find my self alot lately looking at human beings and just observing them. and one thing i've noticed is how many faces we put on everyday. including myself. Psychology is the study of a person, how they act, why they act, when they act... its just very interesting today... and i think that i'm noticing this in people because its something that i need to work on in myself also. since this school year has started i've brought up some faces that i haven't had since 7th grade. i find my self saying things at school that i would never say at church. and i know that with deferent people it is or isn't something they see as being a big deal but for me it is i guess. i find how at times that people find me "most mature" its those times that i find myself immature...

     But honestly can someone really say how mature or immature some one is? we as people take ourselves and compare us to another person. and those people who we call "immature" might be putting on that face of immaturity. we don't know what they're thinking in their head! but i find my self comparing and being compared to. but really how fair is that to the person? maybe they've really matured alot throught their years? just not to the level to what other people have.

     ok enought on that... i have a class this year called Child Development. its a good class but i really can't wait until we get past the "abuse/neglect" part... according to my teacher smacking a child is abuse... i totally dissagree... hitting a child with a closed fist is abuse... hitting the child out of rage and anger is abuse.... i think that if your going to smack a child wether it be his/her hand or butt with love and disipline is ok... my teacher said when you smack a child its never satisifying enough... and you start to excellerate the, and i quote, "beatings." but not everyone is like that... but then again not every one has such self controll... now out of the observations that i have made about my teacher is that she grew up in the "hippie" years and her point of view on the class is VERY one sided... if you try to argue the point of any (and again i quote) "violent gesture" towards a child you pretty much get this whole lecture of how you should never hit a child. which is ok! some people have their ways and we all grew up differently! so i'm not saying that not smacking your child isn't ok because it can be and is very effective! but in all honesty... my parents smacked me... and it was effective. the child supposed to be submissive to his/her parents (with in reason)

OK  thats enough ranting about that... i don't think that "debate" ever stops! except i do have to say that i agree with my teacher 100% that as a child gets older the disipline changes... like if you have a 10 year old kid your not going to give him a 5 minute time out... you'd give him restrictions or something long those lines... lol ok so i'm done! i've done alot of ranting i'll talk to you guys later!

... yeah

is it time to take a look not at my self but at someone else and just see them for who they are.

at work i'm faced with a bunch of different people. some tall, some short. some skinny, some fat. others are young and old. and then there's they old and young. but there's so may different people. i don't know any of them. they just pass through my line and i ring their order up, sometimes bag for them, and take their hard earned money and put it in my cash drawer.

you can make someone smile just by saying have a nice day and looking them in their eyes. and even if you mess up they have patience. or you can get those people who say that its ok and they understand but really they hope to never have you as a cashier again. you can also get those people who think your the biggest mess up and can't wait for 5 seconds and go  to another line, can't wait for another 5 seconds, and then go to another line where they have to wait 5 seconds because there's no other line to go in and they demand to talk to the manager because the service sucks because we actually have people to ring up befor her... heh

but anyway.... what i was actually going to say its amazing how many people are out there who need assistance in buying food for them or their faimly. and i finally know why God put me in this job!

this year i've been faced with alot of problems and bitterness toward people and myself. i lost or pushed aside the servents heart that i had and became selfish and self centered.

SO you ask why did this job come to me so easy? Because God wanted to show me that there's other people who need help, there's other people who need me to be to their assistance.  *DUH*... there were a couple of people who told me that i needed to focus on me because if i didn't i'd loose who i was... be see I AM the person who doesn't want to focus on me i don't want to do things for me. i'm a vessle of God and i'm here to do things for him... through me... he just lets me get to the point where i question him so that i stay on my toes and remember that although i'm questioning him he's always there with an answer... or at least a hand to grab...

Bottom line... i'm working at shoprite because God wanted to show me that i can have problems and i can doubt whatever... but like Jesus i need to put my problems aside and help those who need it...

(p.s. what did i tell you... i was going to sit back in like a week and say to my self i'm so stupid for saying that... now i'm not stupid for sayin what i said... i just now know what God puts us through stuff like that... and even though it wasn't a comfort then... and really isn't comforting now... God lets us go through it so that we learn something in it all... heh... yeah....)